The Amazing Race 93
Results 1 = Non-elimination leg Teams Ari & Lauren - Sweet girl and girl who swears constantly Austin & Justin - Douchey teen stars who hate their fans Beldam & Vivian - Evil old lady who constantly yells at submissive girl and submissive girl Brandon & Phillip - Exactly who they are on Survivor Courtney & Stephen - Deadpan snarker and nerdy Jewish man Dan & Torque - Quiet white Mormon guy and loud black man Erin & Chelsea - Queen bees Mariah & Kyle - Secretly evil but sweet-looking girl and creepy boyfriend Marina & Diamond - Semi-famous singer and thebiggestmarinafan Ryno & Mary - First one-person team in the history of TAR Toad & Crabbydad - Sarcastic teen and frequently pissed off dad Episodes Episode 1: Don't Make Me Limit Your Computer Time ''- Crabbydad'' Leg 1 - United States → Italy The eleven teams depart from an airport in Washington DC, USA. There are three different flights, and Ari & Lauren, Toad & Crabbydad, Mariah & Kyle, Dan & Torque and Courtney & Stephen get the first flight, while Ryno & Mary, Austin & Justin, Erin & Chelsea, and Marina & Diamond get the second flight, leaving Beldam & Vivian and Brandon & Phillip to be on the third flight because both teams wouldn't stop arguing. Everyone arrives at Italy, and Marina & Diamond take the opposite path of everyone else because going with everyone is too mainstream for Diamond. She then faints when Marina says "Hi", and is taken to an Italian hospital. From there, the teams are presented with their first Detour: Pizza or Pasta. In Pizza, teams must make twenty pizzas, and in Pasta, teams must convert to Pastafarianism and worship The Flying Spaghetti Monster for an hour. Everyone does the second option except Marina & Diamond, who do the first because they're hipsters. After that, teams had to compete in a roadblock, which was finding Mario somewhere in Italy. Brandon & Phillip and Beldam & Vivian argue the entire time, while Ari & Lauren get abducted by Italian men and Lauren swears at them. Mario is then found by Dan & Torque, who are told to go to the Leaning Tower of Pisa for the pit stop. They do, and the other teams follow them. Austin & Justin are shown being mobbed by fangirls, and Justin spits on their heads. They then get hungry and go into a pizza shop, where Justin finds a mop bucket and pees in it. It becomes a race for last place between Marina & Diamond and Austin & Justin, with Marina & Diamond narrowly beating them, eliminating Austin & Justin. Justin calls Austin a "gay ass fag" and pushes him onto the ground. Episode 2: [Construction Noise] ''- Torque'' Leg 2 - Italy → Greece The 10 remaining teams have to go to some random airport in Italy to go to Greece, at 12:30 in the morning. Ryno cannot find his teammate, so he spends twenty minutes looking for her, whoever she is. Ari & Lauren, Brandon & Phillip, Dan & Torque, Mariah & Kyle, and Marina & Diamond get the first flight to Greece. Toad & Crabbydad fight over the directions to the airport and get lost for a while, but end up making the second flight along with Beldam & Vivian, Erin & Chelsea, and Courtney & Stephen. Ryno & Mary finally reunite and have to take the last flight. At Greece, teams must find a clue somewhere in Athens, which will lead them to their next Detour. The Detour is a choice between Goddess and G.oddess. In Goddess, teams must read ancient stories about how Athena was born, while in G.oddess, teams must search an ancient tomb for the image of Denise Martin. Everyone except Toad & Crabbydad and Ari & Lauren pick the first option, while Toad & Crabbydad get lost in the tomb and Ari & Lauren find the image quite easily. After everyone is done, team must do a roadblock which involves eating Greek salad. Brandon refuses to eat the salad, and Phillip yells at him and says he's narcistic. Brandon pees in the salad and dumps it onto the ground, and Phillip is forced to eat the salad. Everyone ends up finishing the salad, but Ryno cannot find Mary, and is late arriving at the pit stop, which is at the Parthenon. Dan & Torque come in first, and Ryno & Mary are eliminated. Ryno explains that he feels sad that the first one-man team in TAR history didn't get farther. Episode 3: La Da Di Da Di, I'm Gonna Play Durr-Tee ''- Brandon'' Leg 3 - Greece → Russia The teams must go to St. Petersburg, Russia, and take taxis to the Athens International Airport, if that even exists. Dan & Torque are distracted due to seeing ⨗ (the player formerly known as Mousecop) on a vacation in Greece, and end up having to take the last flight, while everyone else is able to go on the first and second flights. Once they get to Russia, the teams are presented with their next Detour: Dance the Dance or Vote the Vote. In Dance the Dance, teams must do an authentic Russian dance while [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIwkOIq7Ehg this] plays in the background in an endless loop, while in Vote the Vote, teams must convince Russian citizens to vote for Vladimir Putin in the upcoming election. Ari & Lauren, Dan & Torque, Mariah & Kyle, Brandon & Phillip, and Erin & Chelsea do Dance the Dance, while Toad & Crabbydad, Courtney & Stephen, Beldam & Vivian, and Marina & Diamond do Vote the Vote, but Diamond has a heartattack because she picked Vote the Vote due to not being mainstream, yet other people picked it as well. As a result, she's sent to another hospital. After the Detour was done, the teams have to ride on snowboards to one of those onion dome things. Brandon yells at Phillip because he has no idea how to ride a snowboard, while Lauren's snowboard is way too small and she swears at it numerous times, making Ari uncomfortable. In the Roadblock, teams must find the tomb of Lenin and take pictures with his dead body. Everyone finishes, and they all head to Phil, who says it's a non-elimination leg and they're still racing. Episode 4: I Know About Popuuular ''- Chelsea'' Leg 4 - Russia The teams are forced to go from St. Petersburg or wherever they are to Moscow, Russia, where their next Detour awaits. They take taxis, but in the middle of driving, Mariah & Kyle's taxi driver becomes involved in a drive-by shooting with Communists, and they arrive three hours after everyone else. Marina & Diamond are craving coffee, so they search for a coffee bar while everyone else does the Detour. Teams are presented with a choice between Birthmarks and Birth Of Marx. In Birthmarks, teams must search for Gorbachev and get a piece of paper signed by him, while in Birth of Marx, teams must infiltrate a Communist base. Dan & Torque and Mariah & Kyle (who arrive extremely late) do Birth Of Marx, while everyone else does Birthmarks. After the Detour, teams must go to the Square of Europe for the roadblock, and there will be a U-Turn along the way. Erin & Chelsea, who are in the lead, decide to U-turn Mariah & Kyle because Chelsea doesn't like Mariah's use of makeup and thinks Kyle is unpopular. The teams get to the Roadblock, which is serving borscht to old Russian men in a restaurant. Everyone finishes quickly, and must check in at the Pit Stop at Moscow State University. Marina & Diamond suddenly reappear, with coffee, and think they have been eliminated, but Mariah & Kyle appear a half an hour later after doing the U-Turn (which is serving 20 more bowls of borscht) and are in last place, so they get eliminated. Mariah yells at Kyle, who takes out a pill and puts it in his mouth. Episode 5: This Video Game Music Is Making Me Orgasm ''- Toad'' Leg 5 - Russia → Japan Teams are told that they have to leave Russia and head to Tokyo, Japan. Everyone gets on the first flight, because the plane is abnormally large and the author may or may not be too lazy to describe every flight individually. Once they get to Japan, the teams must search for clues in the Nintendo shop in the middle of Tokyo. Toad & Crabbydad fall behind because Toad wants to look at everything, while Beldam & Vivian are thought to be cosplayers and are mobbed by Japanese schoolboys. Brandon wants to play Xbox, but Phillip tells him they're in the Nintendo store, so Brandon says he's the arthur of his own fate and kicks the Wii U display, making all the Wii Us topple onto the ground. They are promptly kicked out of the store. The teams get to the Detour, which is Sushi or Sumo. In Sushi, teams must make sushi from a conveyor belt a la Drake and Josh. In Sumo, teams must wrestle sumo wrestlers. Dan & Torque, Brandon & Phillip, Toad & Crabbydad, and Beldam & Vivian do Sumo, while Ari & Lauren, Erin & Chelsea, Courtney & Stephen and Marina & Diamond do Sushi. After, teams must head to the Studio Ghibli museum to reach the Pit Stop, and there is a Roadblock along the way: One member from each team must wake up a Snorlax blocking the path using only a PokeFlute. Lauren, Vivian, Brandon, Courtney, Dan, Erin, Diamond, and Toad do this. After the Roadblock is finished, the teams race to the Ghibli museum, and Beldam gets extremely pissed at Vivian for not doing the Roadblock correctly, even though she did. At the same time, Toad & Crabbydad are arguing about Survivor. Courtney & Stephen get there first, and Beldam & Vivian check in last and are eliminated. Beldam is livid, and says next time she'll go on TAR with Marilyn instead. Episode 6: She Sucks At Life ''- Courtney'' Leg 6 - Japan → New Zealand The next stop on the adventure is New Zealand, and they have to take planes. Dan & Torque, Toad & Crabbydad, and Ari & Lauren get to the airport at midnight and are able to get on the first flight, while Erin & Chelsea, Brandon & Phillip, and Courtney & Stephen are forced to take the second flight. Marina & Diamond are distracted by a coffee shop, and stop to get coffee, forcing them to take the last flight by themselves. After they arrive in New Zealand, they're told to go to Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, a hill in southern Hawke's Bay, New Zealand. Once there, they are presented with their next Detour: Shear the Sheep or Kick the Kangaroo. In Shear the Sheep, teams must shear sheep to find a sheep that's dyed pink. In Kick the Kangaroo, teams must brawl with kangaroos, even though they don't live in New Zealand. Dan & Torque do Kick the Kangaroo, while everyone else does Shear the Sheep. Dan & Torque run into difficulties brawling with the kangaroo, and it ends up sending Dan to the hospital. He ends up coming out with a full body cast, and Dan & Torque realize that they must Dave & Connor the rest of the race. The teams get to the Roadblock, where they must feed a koala eucalyptus leaves with only their mouths, which is totally original. Erin & Chelsea take a lead, but are surpassed by Toad & Crabbydad somehow, who end up winning the leg. Marina & Diamond and Dan & Torque are in a race for last place, but Marina & Diamond finally surpass them, sending Dan & Torque home. Episode 7: This Detour Is Too Mainstream ''- Diamond'' Leg 7 - New Zealand → Brazil To the teams' surprise, the next location is Brazil. Everyone gets on the same flight because Phil is nice and they're taking a large plane. Once they get to Brazil, they must find a clue at Guarulhos, São Paulo, Brazil, in a government building. Chelsea reunites with her lover, Bruno, who she previously competed with in [[The Amazing Race 57]], and they have fun and thank God, but this angers Erin because they're falling behind. Marina & Diamond are kidnapped by a man who refers to himself only as "Manatee" and seems to be a fanatic. Diamond escapes, though, because getting kidnapped is too mainstream for her. The teams must complete a roadblock, which is watching Faustão for 2 hours. Ari, Phillip, Stephen, Chelsea, Marina, and Toad complete this, and go to the next checkpoint where they get a clue for a detour. This detour is called Whale Watching or Brazilian Bouncing. In Whale Watching, teams must catch a baleia, and in Brazilian Bouncing, teams must dance with Inês Brasil at a suspicious nightclub. Every single team chooses Whale Watching except Marina & Diamond, but no whales appear, so after twelve hours they're forced to all do Brazilian Bouncing much to their dismay. By then, Marina & Diamond have already reached the pit stop and come in first place, and eventually Erin & Chelsea arrive in last, but Phil says it's a non-elimination leg. Episode 8: Dragging My Roots Through The Jungle ''- Marina'' Leg 8 - Brazil → Madagascar The teams have to take a taxi to Brazil's airport, then fly to Madagascar. Brandon has a meltdown in the middle of the airport because the candy store is closed, and Phillip has to buy aspirin to take on the plane. Marina & Diamond and Brandon & Phillip take the first flight, while everyone else is forced to go on the second flight. Once they get to Madagascar, they must find a clue from a lemur in a forest full of them. A lemur poops on Chelsea's head, and she has a breakdown and runs to the shower, making Erin pissed again. Toad tries to find wi-fi in the jungle but fails, and Crabbydad yells at him because he's on his phone too much. The teams get to the Roadblock, which is searching for the golden nut in the jungle. Lauren, Phillip, Courtney, Erin, Marina, and Crabbydad do this. Lauren gets lost and runs into natives, she then swears at them. Courtney does nothing but make a snarky comment about lemurs, but gets in the lead. Teams must then complete a detour: Move It or Shake It. In Move It, teams must do the "I Like To Move It" dance with King Julien, while in Shake It, teams must twerk for an hour. Ari & Lauren, Brandon & Phillip, and Toad & Crabbydad choose Shake It, while Courtney & Stephen, Marina & Diamond, and Erin & Chelsea choose Move It. Brandon & Phillip finally pull it together and win the leg, but Brandon pees on the attractive female greeter after they have won. Chelsea gets mad at Erin because she's a bad singer, then insults her popularity, and the two have a fight but make up quickly afterwards. They seem to be in last place, but there's still one team missing when they check in at the Pit Stop - Marina & Diamond, because Marina seems to be performing songs for King Julien and the other lemurs, while Diamond is sitting there and orgasming. After approximately 20 minutes, they realize that they should finish racing, but check in last and are eliminated. Diamond says she's just happy that she got to be on the Amazing Race with her idol, but Marina says the Electra Heart era is over, so Diamond jumps off a cliff. Episode 9: Snails Are Fucking Disgusting ''- Lauren'' Leg 9 - Madagascar → France Teams must head to Paris, France for the next leg of the race. Brandon threatens Phillip with death if they don't come in first for the leg, so they camp out at the airport to make sure that happens. Everyone gets the same flight, though, taking away any lead that they might have had. Once they get to France, they are presented with their first clue, which is in the Louvre. The teams race to the Louvre, and on the way, Toad & Crabbydad stop to get croissants. At the Louvre, the teams are presented with a Roadblock: find secret messages in 20 different paintings. Lauren, Brandon, Stephen, Erin, and Toad complete this option. Lauren gets lost in the museum, while Toad can't find any paintings and Erin spends the entire time staring at cute boys. Stephen finishes early, and Courtney & Stephen take an early lead. On the way to the Detour, which is located at the Eiffel Tower, Ari & Lauren stop at a stand that is selling escargot, and Lauren eats it and basically dies. After a brief visit to the hospital, teams encounter their next detour: Marcel or Eiffel. In Marcel, teams must act as mimes for an hour and raise at least twenty dollars, while in Eiffel, teams must bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower. Everyone does Marcel except Brandon & Phillip. Brandon forgets his harness while bungee jumping, and creates a human shaped hole in the ground while yelling "I'm the arthur of my fate". After another brief trip to the hospital, teams are told to go to the Arc de Triomphe for the pit stop. Toad & Crabbydad are distracted when Toad sees hot girls and Crabbydad tries to give him relationship advice, but Toad just gets angry at him because they're in public. They come in last, and witness Brandon attempting to kill Phillip due to them coming in second. Crabbydad says he is proud of Toad, but Toad just scoffs as they walk away. Episode 10: I'm The Arthur Of My Fate ''- Brandon'' Leg 10 - France → Scotland